The unofficial practice by churches in using marriage to cure homosexuality

Hello readers,

I held on to this post until today International Day against Homophobia and Transphobia, IDAHOT and also Children’s month to highlight another challenge and related social issue out there for LGBT people here in Jamaica. In a follow up discussion on LOVE 101FM’s Morning Watch hosted by theologian Reverend Clinton Chisholm dealt with the issue of supposed heterosexual spouses of homosexual partners known or unbeknownst to them on the strength of a letter to the Gleaner’s editors on May 13, 2013, the poll question of the day dealt with the issue as well and some of the answers were as expected espousing sheer ignorance and indifference:

“It should never even by thought of by anyone”

“There is no way to stop a person from being a gay, that’s not the church business”

“That only shows that they have no knowledge of the dark kingdom, being gay is caused by a spirit”

“The only treatment for sin is repentance”

“.......... Homosexuality cannot be cured by marriage it is a demonic force of darkness............”

“ ........... a scriptural biblical mockery ................”

“Marriage does not fix that behaviour it can worsen it .................... "

Guests on the show were (anti gay) Psychologist Dr Leachim Semaj (formerly known as Michael James) who seems not to follow the DSM’s guidelines on homosexuality, Dr Reverend Neil Walker – a Guyanese living in the states who also runs a reparative outfit, the letter writer a Jamaican living in Miami Florida nurse Mrs. Debbie Thomas Brown who also runs a faith based outreach and advocacy site South Florida Connect Inc for other wives or women who have found themselves in marriages or relationships with a down low man or vice versa.

The discussion for the most part seems level but what bothered me was there were no guests representing the MSM side of the equation but I shouldn’t be surprised supposed discourse like this tends to be one sided although the letter’s author made her position quite clear very early in the exchange which to be fair to her was respected as her tone did not come across as homophobic although she did hint to a possible cure without saying it in so many words, although she also used the word “orientation” as opposed to “lifestyle” as done by other anti gay voices.

“..................... my letter to the editor was to bring awareness .............. to open a dialogue that we never seem to have that we should have had a long time ago ................ people misunderstood what I was trying to say ............... as the men who are gay they seem to understand that they can do that to hide their orientation and to make themselves look stronger and appear more effective .......”

“....... because of our culture in Jamaica that treat homosexuals in a bad way ......”

She continued that the church is not paying attention to what has been happening and women are being hurt. Dr Semaj weighed that deception is the issue as persons use that reality to cover up their behaviour. He mentioned the married but just for the record bit as well that exists in social circles. He said persons deliberately or consciously set out to destroy another person’s life as persons present themselves as one entity he then made the disease connection where he said many wives were at risk at HIV/AIDS, I found that a bit problematic as it tacitly presents the disease as a homosexual one even after all these years although we must take into account the high rates of infection in the MSM population. My other concern was innate bisexuality was never brought up in the exchange even though the cross infection was hinted to.

What if the partner was innately bisexual but due to fear or recrimination did not or could not disclose his same gender attraction as well?

Would that be deception altogether on his part or the withholding of information with disastrous consequences? Many persons would fear that during courtship that might be the end of the formation of the union and other more far reaching consequences with family and social standing.

Dr Semaj continued that in the development of the relationship all the cards must be dealt face up, that is easy for him to say as a psychologist tell that to the man who has a decision to make knowing our own homophobia and indeed biphobia from within the gay community as well as they are also seen as disease carriers and misguided or confused, there are many other layers that this exchange never even came close to addressing. The denial or ambivalence upon learning the information was briefly examined where Dr Semaj juxtaposed the issue of incest as well where blame has to go somewhere in that case the child in a down low case however self blame or hate may set in and the feeling of competing with a man for another man or the acceptance or tolerance of another woman as the extra marital partner works to find out it is a man is too much in some case, it also raises self esteem concerns for the woman involved. “The purpose of the defence mechanism is to preserve ego, preserve the self ...... you have to put the blame somewhere else ...........” after a while the whole thing starts to crumble. He said women require a lot of work to put the blame where it really should be and move on to healing.

The other guest Rev Dr Walker spoke to his familiarity with the down low phenomenon in the United States as he runs an outfit that address such issues, the rift also between mega churches versus small churches where pastors are sometimes labelled as mumblers came through as he made the point that it is easier for a down low man to camouflage himself in larger populated congregations that his smaller outfit. After declaring his heterosexuality (with full support from Dr Semaj – “heterosexual body, mind & spirit” other guests laughing) as it were he continued on the point of his referral system where churches send him clients where he addresses the females who suffer from the fallout of the secret coming to light. He highlighted the emotional rollercoaster and the devastation the women feel. Reverend Chisholm brought the down low clergy ambit in the mix where Dr Walker again touched on the mega church versus small church issue and Bishop Eddie Long’s recent troubles, he lamented that pastors such as Bishop Long consider themselves superstars as they command mega churches and are immune to the issue of the down low phenomenon, he criticised Bishop Long saying he had an opportunity to come clean instead resorting to the infamous five stone comment he made in response to the allegations of inappropriate behaviour with male members.

Nurse Thomas Brown brought her own experience to bear with her near miss marriage to a down low man and her emotional turmoil that led to her research and formation of her advocacy group. She lamented that local churches have this issue and it is the place where other down low men come and use the covertness to meet and hide their relationship. She pointed out clearly that a gay man cannot recover from his homosexuality through marriage, “ .......... that will never happen through marriage ......” one thing was clear that she was not one of those guests as is customary to be spoon fed points in the thrust to drive the point home. She continued that it was a public health issue but the figures she quoted seem unverifiable as she said about 56,000 MSM may be here and of down low men 50% of them are in relationships with heterosexual women, she never provided her source for this data that flowed easily of her tongue.

She continued on the point of social pressure and the noveau intelligentsia who marry into a heterosexual set up to become accepted or regularise themselves although she seemed to have overlooked the commensurate side to this in that many single men are known to be gay and do exist unperturbed by open hostility at the upper socio economic levels it is when one starts to descend the ladder that the caustic responses sometimes translating itself via violence get more pronounced. The aesthetics was briefly examined as well where she rightfully looked at effeminacy, masculinity and profiling and that most down low men bear no discerning signs. “They can hide in a mega church, they can hide in any church because they look as macho and as masculine as the next straight guy, you cannot look at them and tell our women don’t understand that because Jamaican women are accustomed to them being effeminate ... and they are not like that.......you will never see it if that’s what you are looking for.” She then promoted her website.

Nurse Brown concluded that for women who find themselves in this situation that there is nothing wrong with them and that they should try to move on as best as possible, she said “......... you cannot change him, you did not make him gay, don’t listen to ignorant people who are gonna ask you, he married you so he must not have been gay when he married you? He was, he just did a very good job of hiding it from you and everyone else, so don’t blame yourself for your spouse being gay, it has nothing to do with you and don’t ever think that you can change him because yes you cannot compete with a man .........” she went on that heterosexual men also complain about having lesbian wives meeting them in church in some instances but are afraid to expose them. Dr Semaj brought up the threesome piece or ménage-a-trois which locally for all intents and purposes I dare say is very popular just go to any strip club and see open erotic lesbian themed entertainment.

Reality coming to the fore here has brought some sense to an exchange about homosexuality it seems only when it hits very close to home that theologians or anti gay voices have to face such reality, as for the deception aspect of this coming out open and honest is still a major issue across the board and in intimate relationships be they gay, bisexual or heterosexual couples, disclosure is also a major complaint I have heard a lot over the years. The matter of advocacy here in Jamaica not matured (only in age it seems) and sophisticated enough cannot be overlooked as my expectations for a fifteen year old agency would be to address if by a tight referral system issues such as this but again another possible outcome of poor leadership and program development crops up again.

Peace and tolerance

H